Finally done moving out of the deLay house. Now I just need to prepare for my move to Stanford. I'm sad to see the deLay house disband, but such is life: it changes. We all move on to new and exciting stages in our lives. Seems like a lot of people I know are on the brink of something big.
I think I put so much time and energy into the move because I wanted to distract myself. It served to fill the gaping hole of time in my life that used to be occupied by Lauren. Suddenly I have this time on my hands and I don't know what to do with it. Given the nature of the situation, it's tempting to use that time to mope and feel miserable, but I know that's not healthy. It's not what either of us want.
People ask me if I'm excited to go to Stanford. Not be mean, but, well, DUH. It's Stanford. It's San Francisco. It's all the new people I'll meet, the knowledge I'll gain, the connections I'll make, the opportunities I'll seize, the growth I'll achieve.
What I can't tell them (and sometimes don't want to tell them) is that I'm also overwhelmed with sadness that this fulfilling, beautiful, intense, and nourishing stage of my relationship with Lauren is coming to a close. Just when the going got really good, it's time to stop. I wake up sometimes with tears streaming down my face because I was having this great dream about her and then remembered that she's not here. I know that will pass in time, but it's damn hard right now.
On to more positive thoughts.
First up: Tuesday Blues. Last Tuesday was special. Not because of the bands (which were fun) or the attendance (which was impressive), but rather because of the surprise jam that Jonathan organized for me. Grabbing the people that make Portland great for me, I was lead into a circle and graced with an outpouring of love and appreciation. This gesture was incredibly considerate on Jonathan's part. It also caught me at the right time: just when I'm needing affirmations of support from people, here comes a whole troupe to yell in my ears that I'm a good person.
Second up: suit shopping. It's time to look dapper, dammit. My suit just doesn't, well, suit me. Too be in the shoulders, to wide in the waist, too business-like. A trip to Nordstroms, unfortunately, yielded little success: I am simply of a different build than the average American male. (In addition, suits found on a rack these days are often too stale.) Still, the time spent hanging out with Jonathan was rewarding. He makes for a great companion. I think he'd be fantastic foLooks like I'm now in the market for a tailor-made suit. I know that'll run me up a lot of money, but it's a worthwhile investment. It's hard to deny a sharp dresser.
(As a side note: I told Lauren about my shopping plans and she gushed. Let me repeat that: Lauren gushed over something. She doesn't do that about... anything! Definitely received serious positive reinforcement over the idea of finding a new suit.)
Third up: well, actually I don't have a third up. More as a note to myself: get my life in gear. I have a big to-do list that I've been neglecting because of the moving process. Tomorrow marks a new day, one that I intend to be highly productive.
I'd like to close by sharing some poetry that speaks to me. This one is by Hafiz.
Cast All Your Votes for Dancing
I know the voice of depression
Still calls to you.
I know those habits that can ruin your life
Still send their invitations.
But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.
You can stay that way
And even bloom!
Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions' beautiful laughter.
Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From the sacred hands and glance of your Beloved
And, my dear,
From the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.
Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
But then drag you for days
Like a broken man
Behind a farting camel.
You are with the Friend now.
Learn what actions of yours delight Him,
What actions of yours bring freedom
And Love.
Whenever you say God's name, dear pilgrim,
My ears wish my head was missing
So they could finally kiss each other
And applaud all your nourishing wisdom!
O keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions' beautiful laughter
And from the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.
Now, sweet one,
Be wise.
Cast all your votes for Dancing!
I think I put so much time and energy into the move because I wanted to distract myself. It served to fill the gaping hole of time in my life that used to be occupied by Lauren. Suddenly I have this time on my hands and I don't know what to do with it. Given the nature of the situation, it's tempting to use that time to mope and feel miserable, but I know that's not healthy. It's not what either of us want.
People ask me if I'm excited to go to Stanford. Not be mean, but, well, DUH. It's Stanford. It's San Francisco. It's all the new people I'll meet, the knowledge I'll gain, the connections I'll make, the opportunities I'll seize, the growth I'll achieve.
What I can't tell them (and sometimes don't want to tell them) is that I'm also overwhelmed with sadness that this fulfilling, beautiful, intense, and nourishing stage of my relationship with Lauren is coming to a close. Just when the going got really good, it's time to stop. I wake up sometimes with tears streaming down my face because I was having this great dream about her and then remembered that she's not here. I know that will pass in time, but it's damn hard right now.
On to more positive thoughts.
First up: Tuesday Blues. Last Tuesday was special. Not because of the bands (which were fun) or the attendance (which was impressive), but rather because of the surprise jam that Jonathan organized for me. Grabbing the people that make Portland great for me, I was lead into a circle and graced with an outpouring of love and appreciation. This gesture was incredibly considerate on Jonathan's part. It also caught me at the right time: just when I'm needing affirmations of support from people, here comes a whole troupe to yell in my ears that I'm a good person.
Second up: suit shopping. It's time to look dapper, dammit. My suit just doesn't, well, suit me. Too be in the shoulders, to wide in the waist, too business-like. A trip to Nordstroms, unfortunately, yielded little success: I am simply of a different build than the average American male. (In addition, suits found on a rack these days are often too stale.) Still, the time spent hanging out with Jonathan was rewarding. He makes for a great companion. I think he'd be fantastic foLooks like I'm now in the market for a tailor-made suit. I know that'll run me up a lot of money, but it's a worthwhile investment. It's hard to deny a sharp dresser.
(As a side note: I told Lauren about my shopping plans and she gushed. Let me repeat that: Lauren gushed over something. She doesn't do that about... anything! Definitely received serious positive reinforcement over the idea of finding a new suit.)
Third up: well, actually I don't have a third up. More as a note to myself: get my life in gear. I have a big to-do list that I've been neglecting because of the moving process. Tomorrow marks a new day, one that I intend to be highly productive.
I'd like to close by sharing some poetry that speaks to me. This one is by Hafiz.
Cast All Your Votes for Dancing
I know the voice of depression
Still calls to you.
I know those habits that can ruin your life
Still send their invitations.
But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.
You can stay that way
And even bloom!
Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions' beautiful laughter.
Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From the sacred hands and glance of your Beloved
And, my dear,
From the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.
Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
But then drag you for days
Like a broken man
Behind a farting camel.
You are with the Friend now.
Learn what actions of yours delight Him,
What actions of yours bring freedom
And Love.
Whenever you say God's name, dear pilgrim,
My ears wish my head was missing
So they could finally kiss each other
And applaud all your nourishing wisdom!
O keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions' beautiful laughter
And from the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.
Now, sweet one,
Be wise.
Cast all your votes for Dancing!
RSS Feed
